The Lumberjack
by MagicPotato
Summary: Roht the lumberjack, a dispelled God from his planet Iron Wood, now travels to Earth in search of a new home and foundation for him and his Godly powers. Rated M


There once was a lumberjack. He was born in 1822 among a race of other lumberjacks from a different galaxy. These lumberjacks had their own appearance, as most races do. Most of the men ended up with scruffy faces, long hair and were, on average, seven feet tall. The women were short in comparison to the men and were usually six feet tall, or shorter. It was very rare that any of the women went under five feet. They also had scruff but it was considered attractive and normal among the lumberjacks. For some reason, they all had a taste for wearing plaid and denim jeans. They wore suspenders to hold up their pants while they worked to keep themselves from tripping on their pants. Suspenders were also considered a very popular fashion among the lumberjacks. The suspenders also held their mighty weapon, the axe, which was used to keep the onslaught and terror of the Oak Trees in check.

Their planet was once beautiful and kept in peace by the lumberjacks, keeping the tree population at a minimum. However, it eventually got out of hand. The lumberjacks got drunk from power and let their authority slip. The trees invaded one night and ended up leaving the world scathed and ravaged. He, and other lumberjacks, decided to leave because there was no way to make a living in a world like this. He soared through to an unknown galaxy. He eventually stumbled upon a planet consisting of Humans called, Earth. His trip seemed like a mili-second to him, but in real time, it was 200 year before he had reached the dark abyss called "Space" where that floating sphere was held. He saw the planet was newer, cleaner and more pure than his own and thought to himself:

"Well, this planet seems nice. I think I'll give it a try."

The lumberjack landed in the middle of a forest. The sound of his body crashing into the ground caused the Earth to shake and mountains to move. Authorities eventually showed up to investigate what had happened.

"It just… came out of the sky and crashed into the ground," said a woman to an FBI agent, "Here! Here's the crater where it landed!"

They approached the crater to find just an empty hole. The lumberjack began chopping down trees when he had crashed into the ground. "Payson Police! Stop cutting down those trees! This is a National Forest!" shouted a cop.

The lumberjack looked at him and began to chuckle, "Ha! Silly humans. You think trees are good for your planet? Think about it, they tear up the land, limit areas you can live and they cause damage to homes when they decide they want to fall over. Trees have a mind of their own and will do anything to destroy anyone in their path. I'm doing you a favor." Said the lumberjack."

"A favor? Look buddy, these trees help against Global Warming so, you're not doing any favors. Now, you're in enough trouble as it is for causing damage to a National Forest so stop before your punishment gets even more severe!" replied the officer.

The lumberjack casually walked away, ignoring the cop's warnings. "Hey! Stop! Don't ignore me!" said the cop as he opened fire on the lumber jack.

He turned around, eyes fiery red, and roared at the cop like a beast as he chucked his axe with the might of a God. The cop quickly tried to move. The axe left a 3 inch thick gash in his leg, causing him to let out a cry of pain. "What the hell did you just do!" screamed the cop.

"Threaten me again, and it'll be your entire lower half that gets cut off!" yelled the lumber jack.

He put his hand out and as if it had a mind of its own, the axe came back to the lumber jack. The cop had lost too much blood already and couldn't get back to his car. An FBI agent ran over to him, hearing the screams and called for help. A news story was put out the same day, looking for the lumberjack.

The lumberjack was careless to what had just happened in the Payson National Forest. He continued on his journey to find a home on Earth. As he continued on his travel, the lumberjack went through Sedona, the Grand Canyon, and Las Vegas and even took a dip in the Colorado River. People were astonished at the guts of this man. He had jumped straight off the Hoover Dam and into the Colorado. "Mama! Mama! Did ya see that? Did ya see what that man just did?" shouted a small boy.

"Y-yes…" replied the boy's mom, clueless to how he did it.

People rushed to the edge to see if he had survived and found the lumberjack wearing his bright red plaid shirt moving through the water. He swam through it all the way into the Californian border. He got out, and walked through the desert until he reached San Diego. "Excuse me, sir, where exactly am I?" Asked the lumber jack.

"Why, you're in California, sunny! The absolute WORST place to be!" screamed the old man.

"Thanks…." Said the lumberjack, walking away.

The lumberjack had no idea exactly where he was or where he was going. He just wanted to find a home.

One day, he saw another lumberjack. He was appalled by this because he thought he was the only lumberjack that had made it to Earth. This man, Ikol, had an affair with the lumberjack's wife. He had the hatred of 1,000 suns in his heart towards this man.

"Hey! Ikol! How are you?" said the lumberjack sarcastically.

Ikol replied, "Ummm… Hi? Do I know you?"

"Probably not. I've just seen you around back on our home planet and heard a lot about you."

"Right. Ok, so what's your name?"

"Oh, excuse me, where are my manners. My name is Roht."

"Ok, well, hi Roht. How do you like it here on Earth?" asked Ikol.

"Ehh… it's pretty lame but I guess it's better than back home. Hey, I found this _awesome _place the other day. It reminded me of home. There are trees galore! Want to go check it out?" asked Roht.

"Oh, hell yeah!" shouted Ikol. He had no idea of Roht's former existence or that he had slept with his wife.

Roht took Ikol back into Payson. Their trip took a little more than a day, but they eventually got there. "Man, Roht, I am tired," said Ikol.  
"Go ahead and take a rest. I'll go get some fire wood and get us some food." Replied Roht.

Roht went out into the forest to think. He had enough of Ikol's presence. He plotted how to kill him, knowing they both had the same skill and abilities. Once he returned back, he saw Ikol out cold. He thought about killing him right then and there. "I could do it… just quick and clean. I could get it over with now." He contemplated the idea for hours. Roht approached Ikol slowly and quietly. As he got close enough to make a kill, Ikol woke up. "Gah! Roht! What're you doing!" screamed Ikol.

"I was just making sure you were still alive!" chuckled Roht. On the inside, he was furious he had lost his opportunity.

"By Odin's beard… you scared the life out of me."

"Don't be such a dodo about things! Relax. Let's go get some energy pumping through our Godly veins and chop down some trees!"

They both sprinted out into the forest and began chopping down trees with one swing. Roht kept chopping down trees with Ikol. Eventually Ikol got closer to Roht, not realizing it. Roht noticed and took a swing toward Ikol and chopped off his arm.

"By Odin! What the hell is wrong with you!" screamed Ikol in pain.

"Hope fucking my wife was fun…." Said Roht as he cocked back his axe.

"Oh, sh-"Ikol's words were interrupted by a decapitation.

Roht knew he had to get out of the area he had found. He had hoped he could stay here, but the Humans were too hostile toward him and wanted him dead. Alone, but at peace, Roht began to head South. He needed a new place to call "Home" and somewhere to lay his Godly axe.


End file.
